Last Day of FatAssery

Doug’s Food/Mood Journal AKA: LAST DAY OF FATASSERY

Day 1 – 12/31/12

7:30 a.m.:
1) Half package of Mallowmars, three weeks expired.

Verdict: White spots on chocolate, cookie plate dry and chewy, outer layer of marshmallow filling hardened into fibrous, crust-type thing. Definitely expired, but still very tasty. Maybe even better than normal. Should think about writing email to Mallowmar people about idea for new, tougher texture of marshmallow filling. Could take off. Ha. Could skyrocket this chump into big leagues of cookie R and D. Ha. Could be start of new career as food scientist developing cutting-edge cookie designs for world of tomorrow. Ha. Could be key to winning back Lindsay. Ha, ha, ha. Sure thing. Keep dreaming, chump.

480 CALORIES, 20 g FAT, 48 g SUGAR

 

2) One and one half big cups, choco milk (normal purple cup from kitchen, estimated size: 16 oz).

Procedure: Syrup in cup, milk filled to top, thirty Mississippi’s of careful but vigorous stirring with large spoon that reaches bottom of cup, drained halfway, syrup in cup, refilled to top, twenty Mississippi’s of blah blah stirring, drained to bottom, cup held over mouth so thick strings of remaining syrup can sloooowly drip (the glorious waiting!) down onto outstretched tongue.

MUST REMEMBER: Lindsay hates “gross” displays of fatassery, so can’t do stuff like that starting tomorrow. No licking plates clean either. Can’t take any chances. Have to get her back. Have to stay disciplined. Also, should check internet job boards again to see if new positions (ha) have been posted since last week. Have to prove to her that this chump can stand on own two legs. Should not expect diet-improvement methods documented in food/mood journal to be enough. Must knock her socks off with impressive (but survivable!) job as well.

Breakdown: 24 oz 2% milk, six tbsp Nestle Nesquik choco syrup.
Verdict: Nice uniform syrup blend, beautiful ebony coloring, buttery yet clean mouth texture, near-optimal thickness of froth on surface of milk. Very thirst-quenching. Almost no stickiness left on tongue after each sip. Also acts as perfect complement to stale Mallowmars, with choco creaminess of milk softening crusty outer layer of marshmallow filling. Great combo. Should try to get Lindsay to try once she comes back. Maybe then she’ll understand how hard it can be to say no to something good when everything else feels so bad.

720 CALORIES, 15 g FAT, 105 g SUGAR

 

8:25 a.m.:
1) Two 17 oz bottles of water, Poland Spring.

Verdict: Water crisp, clean, and almost creamy smooth, with sweet, apple-tinged finish. Don’t understand how some people say water has no taste. Each time this chump cracks open bottle and takes sip, he can almost always taste some difference between Poland Spring, Dasani, Aquafina, and Value King store brand. Not sure about ShopRite brand because never tried, but that one probably has own taste too. Probably from different minerals present in water blend. Interesting thought, though. Maybe this chump’s biggest talent is super-powerful taste? Therapist Emma always says to utilize every skill you have, no matter how silly or useless it seems, but never says how. If super-powerful taste is silly skill this chump has, how can that be used for job or career? How do weird old guys with gold-plated spoons get jobs as professional ice cream tasters? Where do they even start in order to get on correct path that will lead there? Been looking at internet job boards since breakfast and haven’t seen postings for anything like that. Only saw warehouse and janitor jobs, but won’t be doing that again, not after humiliating disaster at Harrison’s with mixed-up orders. Have to remember to look up dyslexia later. Maybe that’s why numbers kept getting transposed? Either way, can’t let that happen again. Never, never, never want to feel that awful feeling again. Will work like heck to make sure things are different for lucky number thirteen next year. Fatassery, Lindsay-less life, and lonely sadness not only things ending tomorrow. So is unemployment and terrible fear of getting yelled at by boss.

0 CALORIES, 0 g FAT, 0 g SUGAR, 34 oz WATER CONSUMED

 

11:30 a.m.:
1) BIG SALAD
Breakdown: ENTIRE 10 oz container of Dole 50/50 spring mix and baby spinach salad blend, four oz baby carrots, three tbsp parmesan cheese, three oz balsamic vinegar, two tbsp crushed red pepper.

Procedure: Wanted to try something different here. Thought more about writings in last entry and decided to get head start on better eating. Because why wait until tomorrow? Why not start now? Also, was starting to get jumpy, so had to distract brain with something. Was at risk of checking Lindsay’s profile again, even after vow to not do that, so took quick drive to Value King and bought salad stuff. Closed eyes while walking past candy and chip and pizza and cookie and ice cream sections and then went straight to vegetable area and bought above stuff. Looked up at ceiling while in checkout line and almost poked lady in eye when handing over money, but got out of there without caving.

Verdict: Spring mix in good shape right out of container, not too wet or gross, nice crunchy texture, but then started eating and almost gagged from terrible taste and awful squeaking sound of greens rubbing against teeth. Also, didn’t add enough cheese to cut acid sharpness of balsamic, so vinegar taste very strong and overpowering. Felt like cheating to add more cheese, so ate rest of salad in then-current state of severe cheese deficiency. Not good. Was very aware of outside world and past sadness while eating. Not sure how to survive rest of crappy life without beautiful escape of good food, but will try. As long as Lindsay is there at table during bad meals, everything will work out. Can do anything with her help. Have to get her back.

205 CALORIES, 5 g FAT, 10 g SUGAR

 

4:36 p.m.:
1) Four large pieces of CBR (chicken, bacon, ranch) pizza from Geno’s Third on Cambrian in town.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Does NOT count against new, earlier start for healthy eating, because CBR only well-earned reward for today’s hard work. Spent entire afternoon filling out two very promising job apps, and didn’t check Lindsay’s profile once while working. Also, ate entire gross salad (without adding extra cheese!), so actually did THREE really big good things, all before timer for changing crappy life even officially started.

Verdict: Simply magnificent. Made all bad things melt away for first time today. Dough chewy but firm, not soggy and wet like frozen pizza, and not stone-hard and crunchy like some pizza places around here that try to imitate super-crunchy style of NYC. Hate that kind. Pizza should have specific mouth-texture of pizza, not burnt toast. Toppings fantastic (as always), especially fried chicken chunks, which were cut into little rectangular strips and coated with some kind of garlic-y spice. Extra spice gave chicken great tangy flavor that mixed with savory cream of ranch and meaty crunch of bacon to create complex tapestry of beautiful flavors and textures. All around wonderful treat. Nothing better in life, except time spent with Lindsay. She creates special type of feeling that can’t be copied, not even by CBR. Very sad that Lindsay and CBR cannot co-exist in new life of normal-sized assery, but easy choice to pick Lindsay.

MUST REMEMBER: Have to start writing email to Lindsay later today. Do not ever want to think about that awful night again, but can’t procrastinate any longer. Must finally give her rational explanation for previous actions. She deserves to know anyway. If not, very unlikely she will even acknowledge huge efforts made to stand on own two legs. So must address past issue first. Also, will need extra time for Therapist Emma to check email before sending, so must finish writing by tomorrow night.

ESTIMATED TOTALS: 2400 CALORIES, 80 g FAT, 45 g SUGAR

 

5:21 p.m.:
STATUS UPDATE: While driving home from Geno’s, had to recline seat backward because stomach very full of chewed CBR. Not great feeling. Brought back unpleasant memories of worst days of fatassery from years past. Once back home, had to stay standing for half hour to keep pressure off bulging stomach. Finally sat down ten mins ago, but can now feel thick layer of dry-mouth stickiness starting to coat body of tongue and inside of mouth. Beginning to regret CBR indulgence already. Very mad at crafty brain for tricking chump into thinking he deserved reward of CBR for single afternoon of “hard work,” because, if being honest, not much work got done in hours after big salad. Filled out one very promising job app to become jeweler’s apprentice (exciting), but other job located in California and never going to happen. Only used as mindless busywork to prevent crafty brain from finding justifiable excuse to check Lindsay’s profile. Also, second app only took ten mins. Spent next two hours browsing Amazon and watching Mario 64 speedrun on YouTube. Can’t give up though. Have to keep working. Must be better than before.

SIDE NOTE: Starting to feel very scared of what Lindsay will think while reading email on Thursday night. Very painful to remember how mad she was when she left last time, but can’t blame her. She wasn’t meant to see what she saw that night. No one but unlucky cops called by neighbors were meant to see. Had made that clear in instructions left on kitchen table. But those thoughts gone now. Will learn to stand on own two legs instead of giving up and choosing bad alternative, like last time.

 

10:37 p.m.:
1) Eight peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Breakdown: sixteen pieces whole wheat bread, six oz Smuckers concord grape jelly, eight oz Jif creamy peanut butter, six tbsp Nestle Nesquik choco syrup.

Verdict: No more lies or omissions. Above info 100% correct. Felt very, very sad/horrible after looking at certain thing not supposed to look at, so turned back to delicious food to try to make sadness melt away. Started by making first three sandwiches with peanut butter and choco syrup. Good idea in head, but not great in RL. Sticky + sticky + dry bread + dry mouth = awful. Also, choco syrup kept oozing out between gaps in bread after each bite, so hands and face quickly became very messy and gross. Soon after that felt terrible pain in abdomen from buildup of high-pressure gas. Tried anti-gas pills, but probably sitting totally intact on top of giant mound of undigested food inside super-full stomach. From here started to worry that stomach might rip open from huge mass of stuff jammed down throat in such short amount of time. Don’t want stomach to rip open, but if being honest, would probably be for best. Not sure what good can be done with rest of crappy life even after horrendous pain of next twelve hours ends, so maybe ripped-open stomach is perfect punishment for living gluttonous life of weakness and fatassery.

3330 CALORIES, 128 g FAT, 197 g SUGAR

 

2) Fridge grazing.
Breakdown: two leftover meatballs, smeared with stick of butter; seven pieces pepper jack cheese, rolled into hollow cylinder, filled with ranch dressing; four partially-frozen French toast sticks, spread with butter, drizzled with extra-virgin olive oil.

Verdict: Mind in very bad place here. Did not want to stop going, no matter how gross or painful. While chewing sludgy meatballs, soft chunks of butter slid down throat and almost triggered gag reflex three times. Very unpleasant feeling. Soon moved on to pepper jack, but ranch-filled cheese even worse than cold meatballs. From here had to switch back to sweet side in order to keep going, so put French toast sticks in toaster to warm up. Tried to trudge to bathroom to pee while sticks heating in toaster, but sad thoughts rushed back instantly, so had to take sticks out after less than one min. Once out of toaster, sticks felt wet and soggy on outside and hard and frozen on inside. Didn’t care. Still didn’t want to stop. So put butter and oil on and started chomping away. With first bite, teeth crunched through solid bar of ice while gross slurry of oil and soggy batter swirled around inside mouth like raw sewage. Probably worst thing ever tasted, but kept going and repeated procedure with next three sticks. Was terrified that pain of very sad thing and very scary future would rush back in once jaws stopped moving. Was correct.

ESTIMATED TOTALS: 2000 CALORIES, 90 g FAT, 70 g SUGAR

 

Report Card, 12/31/12:
Will not add up consumption totals for entire day because too afraid of number that will result. Don’t want to know anyway. Won’t change anything. Also, still feeling very sick from final phase, so can’t go to sleep for long while. Must wait another few hours and at least one quality bathroom session before sleep even possible. Finally have extra time now to think about past mistakes, but would rather forget every single thing ever done in crappy life.

FINAL NOTE:

Just after midnight, walked into pitch-dark TV room and stood in silent black for long time. Soon felt numbing wave of sour cold dripping from head to foot, draining all strength from body. Started to feel very weak, as if body would crumple into heap on floor at any moment, but legs held strong for some reason. Thighs burned, calves quivered, feet ached, and still: solid. From here everything in brain screamed in loud voices about giving up and lying down for good, but decided not to listen this time. Decided to stay standing. Felt meaningful at first, but not sure about anything anymore. Probably not important.

 
 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Steve Gergley studied at the Gotham Writers’ Workshop in New York City. His work has appeared in The Fiction Pool.

 

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